Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Weight Loss Learny things & Ideas

1. Cutting back on coffee so you don't have as much sugar is really easy to do when you're high as a kite on Green tea... don't think that can happen? Try drinking eight cups, then come back and tell me that..

2. Garlic is amaaazing. Okay so that's not really "weight loss", but it's delicious, and healthy, and makes awesome explosion flavors in your mouth.

3. You're going to fail. Multiple times. But this isn't a test you're studying for, and can walk away from when you're done. This is life. Get used to it, get up and keep walking. Every day is a new day to start again.

4. Someone who lost 100+ pounds told me it's harder to get on the train, than it is to stay on. She told me this as I was yo-yo-ing in my eating. And she's so right. I was all over the place with my eating, and I felt like I was drowning. I still have those days, and I'm sure there is more to come. But I hope with more experience I will be able to stay on the train.

All Aboard!

5. Planning is a bitch. But it's worth it's weight in gold.

6. Always eat before you leave the house in the morning. Cinnamon rolls, bagels, muffins, bean and cheese burritos, etc. seem less tasty when you're not THAT hungry.

7. It's OKAY to be hungry. This is something I struggle with. I'm actually afraid to be hungry, so I always over-stuff my lunch for the day, and end up overeating. But being a little hungry is NOT going to kill me. I'll be just fine.Thankyouverymuch.

8. The scale is not your friend. I repeat. The scale is NOT your friend. It's more like an abusive boyfriend. I obsessed over that stupid number. Weighing myself multiple times a day, several times each time (just to make sure I got an accurate number *eye-roll*), and it would just bring me down. My solution? I had husband hide it from me. Now it's completely inaccessible. If I do weigh myself, it's usually once a month. This lets me concentrate on what's really important.Health.

9. Go Grocery shopping, preferably on the weekends. Don't  be all like, "It's okay, I'll go tomorrow and everything will be all rainbows, unicorns and skinny jeans". Just don't. You know why? Because tomorrow will come, and you'll be all tired and hungry and say "Fuck it", and get yourself a cheeseburger and fries. And after you're done, and the bliss of gorging yourself has long since faded you'll be sitting there, feeling gross, asking yourself "Whyyyyy?". 

10. Exercise is great, but it's only half the battle. Not even that. It's 20%. That's right. And if you don't believe me, ask yourself how many professional athletes do you know that pig out on oreos, french fries, and Mai-Tai's every day? That's right. None. Unless they're retired...or some type of football player, and even then I'm sure they eat pretty healthy

11. Take it slow. Eating healthy when you spent your life eating a plethora of junk food is a lot like losing your virginity. It's very uncomfortable at first, probably painful, but eventually things get rolling and it starts to feel good. Real good. But you need to take it slow first, because if you just raw-dog it, it's going to suck, you're not going to like it, and you will never let it happen again. Probably. Same goes for exercise.

12. You don't need to spend tons of money buying expensive workout gear. New shoes and pants aren't going to make the workout easier. You just need to be comfortable.

13. Okay don't spend a lot of money on clothes, but invest in a good bra. I'm a size G (Yes, I said G), and if I didn't have a really good bra, my girls would be bouncing all over the place. And not in the attractive Baywatch way either.
This is what I use, yes it looks scary, but this shit [pointing at chest] stays in place.  http://www.enell.com/

Other bras that help with the wiggle and jiggle:

14. Get Support. I used to be a person that hated talking about her weight loss, or diet plan, or whatever. But part of the OA program is having a sponsor. And having a sponsor requires you text/email them what you're eating EVERY.DAY. And at first that sounded abhorrent to me, because like I really need another judgey person going, "she ate what?! Gross". But it wasn't like that at all. She was so accepting, and even when I fall she helps me talk about my feelings so I can get back up and keep moving forward. My sponsor is a true blessing. I should probably tell her that more often.

15. This is probably the most important one. Find your trigger foods, and Stay Away from them. Chances are, if you're like me there are certain foods that you don't have an off switch for. Mine is fast food. Yes, I know it's gross and unhealthy, but I like slushy meat, okay? For others, it might be sugar and flour. Whatever it is, there aren't many people that can have a couple bites of their trigger food and simply savor it. Most of the time we "savor" the whole box and contemplate going to get more. That's why it's just better to not have it all.

So I think that's it. I'm no guru, these are just what I'm learning as I stumble along. The main point is, don't give up. You'll be healthy one day, just know you'll be YOUR healthy. Not the ideal according to the media. Trying to look like that will just drive you crazy.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Thoughts about the strangleholds of Food Addiction....... I'll give you a hint, It's a Bitch.

One of the hardest things about food addiction (or any probably any addiction), is that when you're plugging along, making progress, all of a sudden your addiction comes in and completely smacks you down. It's never anything obvious, it could be something totally innocent like thinking you want a couple fries "just to get the taste", or not going grocery shopping for the week on Sunday like you normally do. Then you find yourself Monday morning with the perfect excuse to go to the two different fast food places, and gorge yourself on just crap. And usually, there is little to no argument against what you're doing, or about to do. It's just the disease talking, telling you "it's okay" and "just this once". Of course, that's just the start, because what follows after that high of a food coma, is complete demoralization. You felt like you lost. Again.  And you're stuck in the mud reaching out for a hand to come and pull you out, when the only person who can truly help, is yourself. It's heartbreaking. It's disappointing. It's paralyzing.

This is where I'm at right now. And my biggest downfall was the scale. I had thought to myself that because I'd been eating so healthy all week, that there just had to be change in that stupid number that seems to define everything I am. Of course, there was none, or whatever there was just wasn't appearing on the scale. And I just lost hope. I figured, what was the point? I try and try, and I'm just going to be fat forever... Of course, I know this is just the addiction talking, because it wants me to hate myself. Because if I hate myself than I will eat more things to get that feeling of "fullness" again.

It all started out very, very slow; just a piece of candy here or there... then the weekend came, and we went out of town. Vacation to me, is license to eat what I want, when I want, and however much I want. It's Thursday now, and I'm working with my sponsor to plan what I'm going to eat everyday, because otherwise I'm eating like I'm still on vacation. So I call her at 6am, and tell her what's for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Then I text her with exactly what I'm eating, even if I eat Cheez-its and a Snickers bar like I did yesterday. And I'm having to force myself not to manipulate her into thinking I'm eating well, or not eating exactly what I'm explaining... Because I'm very good at this; I've been doing it for a long time.

But the worst part about this all, is just how SICK I am of myself. I'm so sick of hiding, I'm so sick of waiting. Because surely, when I lose the weight, I'll finally be able to feel free, I'll finally be able to exist without being self conscious, I'll finally have friends, and the job, and the money, and the life I always wanted. I say this sarcastically of course, because all these have nothing to do with me being obese, and everything to do with my addiction. Addiction in general, is just a very lonely, sad and bitter place to be. And my greatest solace right now is that I'm working through it. See, I may want to hide from myself and my sponsor, but I don't. I force myself to completely honest with myself, and her. And I just keep plugging along, hoping for that day when I can experience true serenity and peace.

So here's to starting over many times, and not giving up hope. Even when it seems like I have none.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...

Yesterday was a bad day. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I could tell you that I ate copious amounts of food, and then I could tell you that it was because I was upset. Upset about some mean girls who, despite not being their friend anymore, still affect me. I could also say that I was upset about bickering with my husband. Truth is, I don’t know what it is. I guess I just simply had a bad day. Everything affected me more, Television shows that had a sad storyline, people talking about breakups, just everything. I had so many moments where all I wanted to do was just cry, with no rhyme or reason. I wasn’t PMSing, I’m not pregnant anymore, I was just oversensitive all day long. And as a result this is what I ate: oatmeal & coffee (My day actually started out pretty good), a bean and cheese burrito, a double decker supreme, caramel macchiato, cinnabon delights (again), a sourdough jack burger, french fries, a couple jalapeno poppers, and a malted shake to top it all off. The worst part about all of this, though, is not that I ate it. It’s that I didn’t want to text my sponsor all this. I feel like I’m regressing, and I want to start hiding again. This is my pattern; I start off great and then I find some loophole somewhere and I exploit it till the whole plan loses its purpose. With Weight Watchers, I just didn’t write it down so I always had my extra points. With Jenny Craig, I just ate the program’s food and then my food. With Nutrisystem, I just stopped eating entirely because that shit was gross. Ediets, the fresh meal delivery food system? The same as Jenny Craig. The point is that I do this every time, and I don’t want to be this way anymore. Last night at my OA meeting a recovered compulsive over-eater, drug addict and alcoholic talked about how she could always get up, but not out. That’s how I feel right now. I can get up, but I want out. I want out of this sick cycle carousel of diet, eat, repeat.

I’m still trying to find my way right now. And for the first time, I’m actually having to face my greatest adversary – me. I think that all this hiding is just keeping people from knowing my secret, but the truth is right there, out in the open. I’m fat. And not just fat, I’m obese. And people can see that. So whom I’m really hiding from is myself. I feel like the kid Atreyu from “The NeverEnding Story” when he’s caught in the mud swamp, and is just fighting to take the next step. 

That's me, look of bewilderment and all.
I'm not really sure how to end this post, because I haven't found any answers yet. All I know is that I'm going to be completely honest about all of this. Not just post when things are good, because this shit is hard. But you just gotta keep swimming, even if it's against the current.  ---- Does that sound cheesy? I think that sounds cheesy. I like it.

If you don't love this fish, then we can't be friends. JUST kidding... No, really.

Thank you for listening/reading.

 P.S. G'mork, the wolf-puppet thing, still scares the shit out of me.

P.P.S. This is hilarious

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Apparently I can't cook, or figure out how to manage my blog

Okay so I thought I made a page within a page on my blog for recipes, but apparently not... So until I figure this whole thing out, here's a recipe I found on Pinterest. I love that site, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and like I have creative genius in me ready to just come bursting out. And then I have to go do the fucking laundry...Aaannyywaayyyss, here is recipe #1.

*For the record, I will never post a recipe that I have not cooked and tasted myself.

*Also for the record, I don't create any of the recipes. I'm just not that creative. I merely find them on Pinterest, or Food Network, or wherever and try them out. and if I have a mouth orgasm, I'll post them with a "Holy Shit you got to try this. Right now". So there you have it. Moving on....

Slow cooked Chicken Tacos
Here's what you need.
-A crockpot
-6 boneless skinless chicken breasts
-1 can/jar of salsa -- I use Pace
-1 packet of taco seasoning.

This is what you do:
Throw it all in, do a little stir and set the slow-cooker at low for about six hours. That's right, no chopping, no dicing, no anything. Just literally throw that shit in, and walk away. ..

And this is what you get:
Deliciousness. I loooooooove this recipe. I want to snuggle it at night, and wake up to it's beautiful smile in the morning. Did I take that too far? Probably.
Here's a picture:

Hey sexy, how you doin'? Rawr.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's kind of like "What About Bob?"... Baby Steps

I know I haven't posted for a few days, and it's mostly because nothing is really new. Well, except that I got myself a bona-fide sponsor. Which so far is just someone I text every day with what I eat, and how much. For me this is a bit uncomfortable, because I'm a hider. I hide what I eat, where I eat, how much, etc. So to be 100% honest with someone is very revealing in many ways. Mostly, though, I just feel nekkid, like having to give a speech without a podium to lean on.

As of yet, I'm not officially "on plan" or abstinent, I guess that time will come. But I do find myself getting impatient. I feel ready, but my sponsor wants to create a safe place for me to be sincere and straightforward with my eating disorder. So for once I'm listening to what someone else has to say, and going with the flow. It's just so hard to look in the mirror every day and not see the person I am; the person I could be. Granted, at the time I'm still having a difficult time admitting to myself that I even have an eating disorder. Part of me wants to ignore it. To pretend that it's just a matter of eating a few more salads, but the more I discuss it with my sponsor the more I realize I really do have a problem---yuck. And it's going to take a lot of soul searching to come out on the other side of this. I was able to eat a very healthy diet with little-to-no sugar when I was pregnant with Peanut, and I'm going to find that will power again. So I'm looking forward to starting on my twelve steps to serenity, and I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I asked God to help me, and not but a day later I somehow found myself on the OA website without ever having heard of it before. Till then, I'm eating just a few more vegetables, a few more pieces of fruit, and staying away from those sinfully delicious treats like the cinnabon delights.

Oh! and I'm also posting recipes that are healthy and SUPER easy to make. Mostly because I can't cook for shit, and even if you can, who doesn't want delicious food that takes absolutely no thought, or talent, to make? No one, that's who.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Overeaters Anonymous and My Own Version of the Village People

In my attempt to overcome my eating disorder, last night I attended my first Over-eaters Anonymous meeting. The way I found out about these meetings, was that one night, while watching Seinfeld, I decided to Google Wayne Eliot Knight - the actor who plays Newman on the show- to see what became of him since his popularity back in the 90s. Come to find out that Mr. Knight has dropped 117 pounds! Say Whaaat?!? 
Newman is a New Man! *snort*

After skimming through the article and seeing phrases like, "no longer a slave to temptation" and "food was my drug", I was intrigued. Okay, let's face it, I hear 100+ lb. weight loss and I'm all ears. Anyway, he said part of the reason he was so successful was because of the support he received through a food-addiction support group. So down I went further down the rabbit hole, and I found myself on an OA website looking for meetings close to my house.

That's the story of how I got there, now let's talk about what happened while I was there: what caught my notice at first, was how many people weren't overweight at the meeting. I could literally count on one hand the obese people in that room, including myself. Most of them were long time members that had lost the weight, but were staying on program and following the steps; including one woman who had joined in 1988. Okay... I get the need to follow the program in all aspects of your life, but I guess part of me thought I'd go to fix my addiction, and then move on problem-free. Apparently, this is not the case. Another thing that also caught me completely off guard was how emotional I was when I left. Again, I assumed that I'd leave the meeting feeling empowered and motivated to take my life back. Instead, I felt totally and completely powerless. I guess it just hit home that I really do have a problem, and it's not just being "fat". Because everything these people were describing about their lives prior to recovery, is exactly what I am going through right now, to a "T".  It especially hit home when the woman who had joined in 1988 discussed how she recently had to have triple bypass surgery, because of the wreckage she did to her body when she was young. Realizing that person is you in so many years is just downright frightening. When I went home that night, I cried for at least an hour.

It seems that bit-by-bit I'm catching glimpses of just how much I'm hurting myself, and those closest to me. I would never have thought that eating would cause harm to anyone but myself, but it does; namely my husband who has to watch me suffer, and my son who needs a mom to teach him how to be healthy. As much as I don't like to admit it, this is my life now. For the rest of my existence I will be a recovering compulsive over-eater. I just hope and pray that it doesn't define who I am. Because I am so much more. I realize it is going to take a village to overcome something that has such a grip on my life, and I'm going to keep attending the meetings. The people there were so warm and friendly, and I have at least four people who wanted to be my sponsor. Also writing on this blog helps –especially those that read and leave comments giving their support. It makes me feel less alone, and more like I can really do this. So From the bottom of my heart, Thank you. 

Friday, June 29, 2012

Turning Stumbling Blocks into Stepping Stones

These past few days that were supposed to be my grand restart for a new, healthy life have been... well... crap. My downfall? Taco Bell Cinnabon Delights. They're cinnamon and sugar donut-type holes filled with this creamy cheesey frosting goodness that makes angels sing in the background every time I take a bite. No, seriously you guys, I eat like 12 of these a day; they're just so damn delicious. But they're SO BAD FOR YOU. In Weight Watchers points, one serving is 11 points. That means for breakfast, I eat at least 34 points worth of food; I'm only allowed 40 points a day.... Shit. All I can say is that it's a good thing these aren't served all day, because I would literally have a bag of cinnabons on hand at all times. And I'd also be 3,000,000 pounds. 

My point in telling you this, is to be honest with you, and with myself. I know I'm not going to be perfect with what I eat, or how often I exercise. I know eating 12 donuts every morning is not the way I'm going to get healthy. But I'm picking myself up right now, and I'm going to keep going. I'm not going to give up, and start again another day like I always do. I intend to fight through this till it's no longer a fight anymore. Until it's just a part of my life.

Also, here are some before pictures... ... umm... enjoy??

Notice the flip flops. They're my standard issue footwear. I can't wear shoes other than these, or tennis shoes; it just hurts too much.