My name is Jayme. I weigh 230 pounds, and I am considered to be morbidly obese. I am at a point in my life where I can stay like this forever (and likely gain MORE weight), or I can get healthy. I just… don’t want to. I love eating 3 orders of cinnabon delights every morning if I damn well please, or having french fries and large coffee drinks for lunch. I don’t like controlling what goes in my mouth, because I feel like I’m depriving myself (first world problems. I know). If I don’t get my act together soon, however, I have a more than 70% chance of getting type 2 diabetes says the doctor. I could also suffer from heart problems, knee issues, arthritis, and a whole slew of other issues. Also, if I’m being entirely honest, I’m slowly killing myself with food. Let’s say that again so it sinks in, I’m committing suicide with food. I will eventually leave my husband and my baby boy, all because I lack self-control. I know this is ridiculous, and for the the life of me, I can't tell you why I'm doing it.
There are some things I love about being fat. I love eating till every part of me is full. Feeling so full, I could just go to sleep. I love wearing loose, comfortable clothing. I love eating enormous amounts of delicious, fatty food. I love late night snacks of any candy I'm craving at the moment. I love having an entire pizza all to myself.
But, there is so much more I absolutely hate about being this obese:
- My bones literally ache every time I get up.
- I can’t be on my feet for more than a couple of hours before the pain is unbearable.
- I can’t cross my legs, so I’m stuck sitting like a man; feet flat on the ground with legs spread at a comfortable distance.
- I feel self conscious every time the subject of going out comes up.
- I feel unworthy of my husband, family, friends and just people in general because I’m fat and that must mean I’m undeserving of their time, or love.
- I feel ugly.
- I spend a lot of money on clothes that fit loosely to hide my rolls, and I don’t even feel or look that cute.
- I’m always hot, because I’d rather wear long sleeves than show off my arms. Oh how I wish I could wear a sundress in the middle of August, and just be comfortable.
- I’m tired All.The.Damn.Time.
- Going to any body of water that requires I wear a bathing suit, or summer-type clothing, is abhorrent to me (Keeping in mind that I used to LOVE the beach).
- There are about 3 or 4 positions I’m comfortable doing during sex. Thus making sex kind of repetitive.
- My boobs pull me forward, and I’m convinced I’m giving myself a hunchback.
Basically it comes down to the fact that although my life isn’t completely devoid of enjoyment, that pleasure is dampened by the fact that I feel uncomfortable with my entire body.
“Well do something about it!” you say, and you’re right. I can bitch and complain all day long about hard it is to be huge, but nothing will change unless I say, “enough is enough” and just stop what I’m doing.
So here’s the game plan:
I signed up for Weight Watchers. I’ve tried so many plans in the past and this seems the most logical for me; control my calories, without having to say no to certain foods. Exercise! I used to play volleyball, softball, water-ski, wakeboard, and I don’t even remember what else. The point is that I used to be ACTIVE. Not existing in a sedentary life where I live vicariously through characters of trashy romance novels. I’m 27 years old; I’ll be 28 in September. I am getting past the point where my age is my best ally. So here is what I want before I turn 30.
In two years:
- I want to be at a comfortable healthy weight. Ideally, 125-130 pounds.
- I want to be in the habit of exercising regularly. Maybe running… I don’t know.
- I want a cute wardrobe that's comfortable, complements my figure, and that I’m proud to wear.
- I want to no longer be a slave my cravings for food.
- I want to feel happy and confident when I walk out the door every morning.
- I want to feel flexible and strong again.
- More than anything, I just simply want to feel at home in my own skin again.