Friday, July 20, 2012

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...

Yesterday was a bad day. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I could tell you that I ate copious amounts of food, and then I could tell you that it was because I was upset. Upset about some mean girls who, despite not being their friend anymore, still affect me. I could also say that I was upset about bickering with my husband. Truth is, I don’t know what it is. I guess I just simply had a bad day. Everything affected me more, Television shows that had a sad storyline, people talking about breakups, just everything. I had so many moments where all I wanted to do was just cry, with no rhyme or reason. I wasn’t PMSing, I’m not pregnant anymore, I was just oversensitive all day long. And as a result this is what I ate: oatmeal & coffee (My day actually started out pretty good), a bean and cheese burrito, a double decker supreme, caramel macchiato, cinnabon delights (again), a sourdough jack burger, french fries, a couple jalapeno poppers, and a malted shake to top it all off. The worst part about all of this, though, is not that I ate it. It’s that I didn’t want to text my sponsor all this. I feel like I’m regressing, and I want to start hiding again. This is my pattern; I start off great and then I find some loophole somewhere and I exploit it till the whole plan loses its purpose. With Weight Watchers, I just didn’t write it down so I always had my extra points. With Jenny Craig, I just ate the program’s food and then my food. With Nutrisystem, I just stopped eating entirely because that shit was gross. Ediets, the fresh meal delivery food system? The same as Jenny Craig. The point is that I do this every time, and I don’t want to be this way anymore. Last night at my OA meeting a recovered compulsive over-eater, drug addict and alcoholic talked about how she could always get up, but not out. That’s how I feel right now. I can get up, but I want out. I want out of this sick cycle carousel of diet, eat, repeat.

I’m still trying to find my way right now. And for the first time, I’m actually having to face my greatest adversary – me. I think that all this hiding is just keeping people from knowing my secret, but the truth is right there, out in the open. I’m fat. And not just fat, I’m obese. And people can see that. So whom I’m really hiding from is myself. I feel like the kid Atreyu from “The NeverEnding Story” when he’s caught in the mud swamp, and is just fighting to take the next step. 

That's me, look of bewilderment and all.
I'm not really sure how to end this post, because I haven't found any answers yet. All I know is that I'm going to be completely honest about all of this. Not just post when things are good, because this shit is hard. But you just gotta keep swimming, even if it's against the current.  ---- Does that sound cheesy? I think that sounds cheesy. I like it.

If you don't love this fish, then we can't be friends. JUST kidding... No, really.

Thank you for listening/reading.

 P.S. G'mork, the wolf-puppet thing, still scares the shit out of me.

P.P.S. This is hilarious

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Apparently I can't cook, or figure out how to manage my blog

Okay so I thought I made a page within a page on my blog for recipes, but apparently not... So until I figure this whole thing out, here's a recipe I found on Pinterest. I love that site, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and like I have creative genius in me ready to just come bursting out. And then I have to go do the fucking laundry...Aaannyywaayyyss, here is recipe #1.

*For the record, I will never post a recipe that I have not cooked and tasted myself.

*Also for the record, I don't create any of the recipes. I'm just not that creative. I merely find them on Pinterest, or Food Network, or wherever and try them out. and if I have a mouth orgasm, I'll post them with a "Holy Shit you got to try this. Right now". So there you have it. Moving on....

Slow cooked Chicken Tacos
Here's what you need.
-A crockpot
-6 boneless skinless chicken breasts
-1 can/jar of salsa -- I use Pace
-1 packet of taco seasoning.

This is what you do:
Throw it all in, do a little stir and set the slow-cooker at low for about six hours. That's right, no chopping, no dicing, no anything. Just literally throw that shit in, and walk away. ..

And this is what you get:
Deliciousness. I loooooooove this recipe. I want to snuggle it at night, and wake up to it's beautiful smile in the morning. Did I take that too far? Probably.
Here's a picture:

Hey sexy, how you doin'? Rawr.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's kind of like "What About Bob?"... Baby Steps

I know I haven't posted for a few days, and it's mostly because nothing is really new. Well, except that I got myself a bona-fide sponsor. Which so far is just someone I text every day with what I eat, and how much. For me this is a bit uncomfortable, because I'm a hider. I hide what I eat, where I eat, how much, etc. So to be 100% honest with someone is very revealing in many ways. Mostly, though, I just feel nekkid, like having to give a speech without a podium to lean on.

As of yet, I'm not officially "on plan" or abstinent, I guess that time will come. But I do find myself getting impatient. I feel ready, but my sponsor wants to create a safe place for me to be sincere and straightforward with my eating disorder. So for once I'm listening to what someone else has to say, and going with the flow. It's just so hard to look in the mirror every day and not see the person I am; the person I could be. Granted, at the time I'm still having a difficult time admitting to myself that I even have an eating disorder. Part of me wants to ignore it. To pretend that it's just a matter of eating a few more salads, but the more I discuss it with my sponsor the more I realize I really do have a problem---yuck. And it's going to take a lot of soul searching to come out on the other side of this. I was able to eat a very healthy diet with little-to-no sugar when I was pregnant with Peanut, and I'm going to find that will power again. So I'm looking forward to starting on my twelve steps to serenity, and I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I asked God to help me, and not but a day later I somehow found myself on the OA website without ever having heard of it before. Till then, I'm eating just a few more vegetables, a few more pieces of fruit, and staying away from those sinfully delicious treats like the cinnabon delights.

Oh! and I'm also posting recipes that are healthy and SUPER easy to make. Mostly because I can't cook for shit, and even if you can, who doesn't want delicious food that takes absolutely no thought, or talent, to make? No one, that's who.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Overeaters Anonymous and My Own Version of the Village People

In my attempt to overcome my eating disorder, last night I attended my first Over-eaters Anonymous meeting. The way I found out about these meetings, was that one night, while watching Seinfeld, I decided to Google Wayne Eliot Knight - the actor who plays Newman on the show- to see what became of him since his popularity back in the 90s. Come to find out that Mr. Knight has dropped 117 pounds! Say Whaaat?!? 
Newman is a New Man! *snort*

After skimming through the article and seeing phrases like, "no longer a slave to temptation" and "food was my drug", I was intrigued. Okay, let's face it, I hear 100+ lb. weight loss and I'm all ears. Anyway, he said part of the reason he was so successful was because of the support he received through a food-addiction support group. So down I went further down the rabbit hole, and I found myself on an OA website looking for meetings close to my house.

That's the story of how I got there, now let's talk about what happened while I was there: what caught my notice at first, was how many people weren't overweight at the meeting. I could literally count on one hand the obese people in that room, including myself. Most of them were long time members that had lost the weight, but were staying on program and following the steps; including one woman who had joined in 1988. Okay... I get the need to follow the program in all aspects of your life, but I guess part of me thought I'd go to fix my addiction, and then move on problem-free. Apparently, this is not the case. Another thing that also caught me completely off guard was how emotional I was when I left. Again, I assumed that I'd leave the meeting feeling empowered and motivated to take my life back. Instead, I felt totally and completely powerless. I guess it just hit home that I really do have a problem, and it's not just being "fat". Because everything these people were describing about their lives prior to recovery, is exactly what I am going through right now, to a "T".  It especially hit home when the woman who had joined in 1988 discussed how she recently had to have triple bypass surgery, because of the wreckage she did to her body when she was young. Realizing that person is you in so many years is just downright frightening. When I went home that night, I cried for at least an hour.

It seems that bit-by-bit I'm catching glimpses of just how much I'm hurting myself, and those closest to me. I would never have thought that eating would cause harm to anyone but myself, but it does; namely my husband who has to watch me suffer, and my son who needs a mom to teach him how to be healthy. As much as I don't like to admit it, this is my life now. For the rest of my existence I will be a recovering compulsive over-eater. I just hope and pray that it doesn't define who I am. Because I am so much more. I realize it is going to take a village to overcome something that has such a grip on my life, and I'm going to keep attending the meetings. The people there were so warm and friendly, and I have at least four people who wanted to be my sponsor. Also writing on this blog helps –especially those that read and leave comments giving their support. It makes me feel less alone, and more like I can really do this. So From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.