Friday, July 20, 2012

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...

Yesterday was a bad day. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I could tell you that I ate copious amounts of food, and then I could tell you that it was because I was upset. Upset about some mean girls who, despite not being their friend anymore, still affect me. I could also say that I was upset about bickering with my husband. Truth is, I don’t know what it is. I guess I just simply had a bad day. Everything affected me more, Television shows that had a sad storyline, people talking about breakups, just everything. I had so many moments where all I wanted to do was just cry, with no rhyme or reason. I wasn’t PMSing, I’m not pregnant anymore, I was just oversensitive all day long. And as a result this is what I ate: oatmeal & coffee (My day actually started out pretty good), a bean and cheese burrito, a double decker supreme, caramel macchiato, cinnabon delights (again), a sourdough jack burger, french fries, a couple jalapeno poppers, and a malted shake to top it all off. The worst part about all of this, though, is not that I ate it. It’s that I didn’t want to text my sponsor all this. I feel like I’m regressing, and I want to start hiding again. This is my pattern; I start off great and then I find some loophole somewhere and I exploit it till the whole plan loses its purpose. With Weight Watchers, I just didn’t write it down so I always had my extra points. With Jenny Craig, I just ate the program’s food and then my food. With Nutrisystem, I just stopped eating entirely because that shit was gross. Ediets, the fresh meal delivery food system? The same as Jenny Craig. The point is that I do this every time, and I don’t want to be this way anymore. Last night at my OA meeting a recovered compulsive over-eater, drug addict and alcoholic talked about how she could always get up, but not out. That’s how I feel right now. I can get up, but I want out. I want out of this sick cycle carousel of diet, eat, repeat.

I’m still trying to find my way right now. And for the first time, I’m actually having to face my greatest adversary – me. I think that all this hiding is just keeping people from knowing my secret, but the truth is right there, out in the open. I’m fat. And not just fat, I’m obese. And people can see that. So whom I’m really hiding from is myself. I feel like the kid Atreyu from “The NeverEnding Story” when he’s caught in the mud swamp, and is just fighting to take the next step. 

That's me, look of bewilderment and all.
I'm not really sure how to end this post, because I haven't found any answers yet. All I know is that I'm going to be completely honest about all of this. Not just post when things are good, because this shit is hard. But you just gotta keep swimming, even if it's against the current.  ---- Does that sound cheesy? I think that sounds cheesy. I like it.

If you don't love this fish, then we can't be friends. JUST kidding... No, really.

Thank you for listening/reading.

 P.S. G'mork, the wolf-puppet thing, still scares the shit out of me.

P.P.S. This is hilarious

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