One of the hardest things about food addiction (or any probably any addiction), is that when you're plugging along, making progress, all of a sudden your addiction comes in and completely smacks you down. It's never anything obvious, it could be something totally innocent like thinking you want a couple fries "just to get the taste", or not going grocery shopping for the week on Sunday like you normally do. Then you find yourself Monday morning with the perfect excuse to go to the two different fast food places, and gorge yourself on just crap. And usually, there is little to no argument against what you're doing, or about to do. It's just the disease talking, telling you "it's okay" and "just this once". Of course, that's just the start, because what follows after that high of a food coma, is complete demoralization. You felt like you lost. Again. And you're stuck in the mud reaching out for a hand to come and pull you out, when the only person who can truly help, is yourself. It's heartbreaking. It's disappointing. It's paralyzing.
This is where I'm at right now. And my biggest downfall was the scale. I had thought to myself that because I'd been eating so healthy all week, that there just had to be change in that stupid number that seems to define everything I am. Of course, there was none, or whatever there was just wasn't appearing on the scale. And I just lost hope. I figured, what was the point? I try and try, and I'm just going to be fat forever... Of course, I know this is just the addiction talking, because it wants me to hate myself. Because if I hate myself than I will eat more things to get that feeling of "fullness" again.
It all started out very, very slow; just a piece of candy here or there... then the weekend came, and we went out of town. Vacation to me, is license to eat what I want, when I want, and however much I want. It's Thursday now, and I'm working with my sponsor to plan what I'm going to eat everyday, because otherwise I'm eating like I'm still on vacation. So I call her at 6am, and tell her what's for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Then I text her with exactly what I'm eating, even if I eat Cheez-its and a Snickers bar like I did yesterday. And I'm having to force myself not to manipulate her into thinking I'm eating well, or not eating exactly what I'm explaining... Because I'm very good at this; I've been doing it for a long time.
But the worst part about this all, is just how SICK I am of myself. I'm so sick of hiding, I'm so sick of waiting. Because surely, when I lose the weight, I'll finally be able to feel free, I'll finally be able to exist without being self conscious, I'll finally have friends, and the job, and the money, and the life I always wanted. I say this sarcastically of course, because all these have nothing to do with me being obese, and everything to do with my addiction. Addiction in general, is just a very lonely, sad and bitter place to be. And my greatest solace right now is that I'm working through it. See, I may want to hide from myself and my sponsor, but I don't. I force myself to completely honest with myself, and her. And I just keep plugging along, hoping for that day when I can experience true serenity and peace.
So here's to starting over many times, and not giving up hope. Even when it seems like I have none.